The ego and the mind

I always wondered what people meant when they say a person is not authentic. Can it be that a person is not authentic when ones ego governs over your heart?

Lately I am observing how my ego is battling with my heart. I see them fighting, throwing arguments against feelings. I almost enjoy to watch this battle as I am happy that for once I can distinguish my hearts' wishes from my ego.

I believe that following your heart is the way to living a fulfilling life and following your destiny. Ideally ego and heart are at balance and one is aware which one is speaking. To me it's essential to anyone to follow their heart but it's very important to HSPs as we are longing for a meaningful life. The happiest and most well balanced HSPs I have met are those who at some point in their life followed their heart, dismissed what everyone else said, went on usual paths to follow their dream. When it comes to work that often means for HSPs to step away from the typical corporate career ladder, take pay cuts but do something they experience as very meaningful.

Currently my ego and heart are battling over the question if I should resume my career in the corporate world or stay longer home with my son and slowly over time find or create more meaningful work. My ego brings to the table that having a job in a well known company sounds so much better than being a housewife. It's much more appreciated to work than to stay home with the kids. My ego longs for the high income that would enable me again to buy anything I want while now I have to say very often no. It might be a good example for my child to see his mother making a career. "Really?" asks my heart. "Isn't it a better example to be authentic, to be happy, to devote yourself to what you love?" My heart tells me that I love being home with my son. I love having time for him, seeing him grow up. I love that I don't have to rush all the time like those who have a career. I find it important that I am there for him. That he doesn't go all week to a creche. It's important to me that I am the one raising him and giving him my values and that I don't leave this to someone else. If I could choose between playing with my son and sitting behind a desk I choose playing with him. And so on they battle ...

Lately whenever I take a big decision I ask myself if I would do the same if I were to die in two years. After all, our time on this earth is limited and I don't want to have too many regrets at the end of my life. So far I am very happy with the decisions I took under this background. Those usually follow my heart.
I wish that one day my ego and heart can be complementing each other, that they don't fight. That my ego would speak my hearts wishes. I would like that my children see me as a balanced person who found her meaning in life.
Still a long way to go but I feel I started on this path and that there's fulfilment ahead if I can stay truth to myself.

Overcoming a long baby blues

A couple of months after the birth of my son I saw a flyer at the consultatiebureau (dutch child doctor) titled: "Are you not seeing the pink clouds with your new baby?".
By that time I saw the pink clouds but they had been grey for many weeks.

Before I had even been pregnant a lot of my friends thought I will be a great natural mother. Now I am, but after my son was born I didn't think so.
His entrance to our family came with a so many changes to my life that I felt miserable for many weeks. I recall that I cried night after night. That I would have no energy, that I was sleep deprived, that I didn't want to have any visitors, that I felt helpless at understanding my son's signals and that I didn't feel right in my new role.
I admired other mothers who were out and about with their baby six weeks after birth, shopping, looking fabulous. I was happy if I had a shower in the morning.
It took me two weeks to leave the house for the first time (for a short walk), five months before I went with my son grocery shopping; six months before I had the time and energy to cook for our family or take care of any other household duties.
Was it a long lasting baby blues or even postnatal depression?

Now in retrospective there are some factors that contributed to me feeling miserable after birth:

1) Heavy birth
As proud as I am to have given birth to a breech baby naturally without pain mediation, I have to admit it was a heavy birth for my body. It took all my energies and it took a long time to recover.
While I tried to rest as much as possible after the birth, I just didn't do enough resting. Luckily I had all the help I could need in my household but only a couple of weeks after his birth I started to sleep with him during the day. Also, I considered my diet to be healthy but some months after birth I found a different diet that was working much better for me as a HSP and gave me more energy for the day. All in all I feel only ten months after the birth my body had regained its full energy level.

2) Hormonal changes
During pregnancy I felt amazing. When my estrogen and progesterone hormone levels took a big drop after childbirth, I felt like the sun in my life just went down and a heavy grey sky appeared instead.

3) Lack of sleep
This was the one thing that hit me hardest after giving birth. As any other HSP I need a lot of sleep. I was used to 9-10 hours sleep at night. Now with breastfeeding my baby every two hours at night I was simply getting far too little sleep. Only after some weeks I made sleep my biggest priority and went early to bed and slept with my son during the day.

3) Lack of personal space
Out of a sudden there was this little bundle that needed me 24 hours. That was constantly crying for my attention. That needed to be close to me at all times. I struggled hard with this one. No more time just for me, to unwind, to centre myself. Very hard for HSPs. My son always wanted to be close. He would cry like murder whenever we put him down. He didn't want to be in his bed, his pram, on a mat. He had to be in our arms. Nonstop. He was crying a lot the first weeks. I think also due to me and him not finding our balance. As a HSP his cries touched me deeply. They felt like needles in my body. I could not let him cry. So he was sleeping on my body, we held him constantly, we carried him around in a carrier. He was with me 24/7. Even though I missed my previous freedom, I also felt I had to be close to him. It was a paradox. I missed my personal space but every time I would leave him my heart would cry out for him and I would miss him.

4) Lack of privacy
Looking back I feel after the birth was very little space for me to bond with my child. The first couple of days we had to stay in the hospital, in a shared room with another mother. When we came home a lady from the kraamzorg came for a week every day, then my mother stayed with us for a week and after that my mother-in-law stayed with us for three weeks. While all these people helped me greatly in the household and with my son, they also came with opinions and recommendations about baby care and intrusion in my privacy.
While some mothers wouldn't mind the additional people in the house and just be glad for the help, for me as a HSP, they represented an invasion in my privacy and I didn't feel comfortable in my own home.
There was no space for us to just be alone, to snuggle up in bed skin to skin, to rest during the day. There was no space for me to follow my instincts and develop my own parenting style with all these opinions in my own house.
When they all had gone, I finally had space and time to bond with my child and things went much better.

5) Too much information
When you have a child out of a sudden everyone around you feels like they own the right to give you advice on child upbringing. Not even your family: the neighbour, the doctor, your friends, countless books on the right baby care, google etc. I bought a lot of books on the topic, from attachment parenting to Gina Ford. Total extremes. I would google everything. Which parenting style should I follow? As a HSP I wanted to do it right, I had high expectations on me as a mother. I felt lost. Luckily in the end I trashed most of these books, stopped googling everything and followed my own instinct.

6) Breastfeeding problems
Already during pregnancy I had set my mind on the fact that I wanted to breastfeed. Basta. Well after birth I found out that it isn't so easy. I encountered numerous problems, had horrible injuries on my nipples and was in pain for weeks. I remember especially the nights when I woke up just feeling in pain. I was fearing the next time that my son wanted to breastfeed. There were times when I had horrible feelings towards him because his feeding brought me pain. Now I feel so ashamed thinking back of my emotions in those moments. Nonetheless, being very stubborn,  I just didn't want to give up. I had set my mind on breastfeeding. Luckily I got amazing help from La Leche League. After ten weeks the problems were gone and breastfeeding became the easiest and most convenient thing on earth.

Roughly after three months the sky started to change, the clouds turned pink. They even turned extremely bright pink filled with love for my son and my new role as a mother. These days I sometimes think I am the happiest mother on earth. I even decided to not return to work just so that I can spend my time with my son. 

What got me out of my postnatal misery?

A) A supportive husband 

My husband was an incredible support during those months. Not only did he do everything in our household after he came from work from cooking to doing the washing, he also listened to me crying every night and had words of support. When I felt pain breastfeeding but didn't want to give up he told me "Don't worry about the future. Just think of tomorrow. If you can do it one more day, you can carry one." Somehow this advice helped me a lot. 

B) Going outside and gentle exercise 

For many weeks I hardly went out with my child. He was crying so much, that I feared the looks of the neighbors. It was stupid really, as once I took him into the baby carrier and started walking outside he would calm down. When I discovered that, we both started to go for walks in the nature. It did us both good. I also did a mother and baby yoga course which gave me a lot of good energy. 

C) Meeting like minded mothers 

With that I don't mean other mothers who were depressed, no other mothers who followed a similar parenting style and just had similar experiences with breastfeeding, sleeping issues or finding their place.

D) Following my instinct 

My baby wanted to be carried around, he wanted to breastfeed often, he wanted to sleep with me and I let him. We were one unit. After the initial difficulties with this close contact I let it be and I experienced a love and joy I have never felt before. I read that breastfeeding and close contact to your baby releases endorphins and oxytocin which makes you happy and calm. It was true, I went from low to a high. From baby blues to baby heaven. 

E) Time

After all I needed time to get comfortable in my new role as a mother. Time to get to know my baby. Time to adjust to the change. Time to find our rhythm. HSPs have a harder time with change and need longer to adjust. So it was. Time heals everything. 

Looking back it was a hard couple of months but I found my place as a mother. Today I am surrounded by smiling pink clouds. 

If you had a similar experience I would love to hear your comments and what helped you to overcome the baby blues.

Giving birth as a highly sensitive person

Giving birth is seen as a life changing event. For me the life changer came when the baby was there and the life as I knew it turned upside down. Nonetheless encountering the beauty and force of mother nature under birth has left me as a different woman.

This is my own birth story. For every woman birth is a tumultuous event but I believe for a highly sensitive person it's even more profound. I hope other highly sensitive mothers can relate to the feelings I experienced and we can share this special moment together.

My ideal birth would have been at home in water. All possible in the Netherlands. I wanted to be in a familiar surrounding, a calm and beautiful place that gives me good energy. And I wanted for my baby to have a smooth transition into this world, to be welcomed into a gentle environment. A water birth seemed to be the best choice. The fact that my baby was still in breech position by 37 weeks shattered my dreams and I faced my worst nightmares. Hospital birth and possible c-section. Luckily I was given the opportunity to try a natural breech birth. Because of the stress I felt dealing with a hospital birth, in a sterile, cold environment, with people that believe machines more than human instinct, I hired a doula (Pascale Bonnet). A birth experienced woman assisting me during labor. Best decision ever.

When my first contractions came I wouldn't believe labor was starting as it was still 5 days to my predicted due date. Though, I had dreamed the night before that my son was born. My HSP instinct already knew better than my mind. It was the start of a 30 hour journey. Even though I had to go to the hospital eventually I had made up my mind that I wanted to stay home as long as possible. This worked very well for me. In the next hours the contractions started to come regularly but I could face them in the calmness of my home. My doula Pascale came and she would assist with massage and showed me a very effective breathing technique to face the pain. It was actually more moaning or humming like breathing. I was making a lot of sounds. I had a bath at home, I ate regularly (very important for HSPs) and just passed the time being comfortable. Pascale also did craniosacral therapy and other massage, which me and the baby responded to very well. At some point I longed for nature and we went for a walk in the forest. I was so happy I was not constrained in a hospital room. Getting fresh air and seeing nature gave me new energy.

After almost 24 hours of contractions I decided it was time to inform the hospital that I was in labor. As guessed they wanted me to come and check my progress. On the way to the hospital and also in  the hospital I wore sunglasses to block out light. Being very sensitive to bright light this helped me a lot to stay in the "zone of birthing". When they checked me in the hospital I had already dilated to 7 cm. Great progress. I didn't like the atmosphere of the room I was given and my doula Pascale did a great job to make it more comfortable. She used essential oils and we blocked out all bright light and only had a small christmas light. Now the monitoring started. Me and the baby got connected to a monitor. I asked for a long cable to still be able to be upright. I was taking most contractions standing, doing circular hip movements I learned during pregnancy yoga. Standing on the ground helped me to feel in control and connected to the earth energies.
My progress started to slow down a bit, something I had expected given that I didn't feel too comfortable in my environment. As the doctors wanted to speed up the delivery they connected me to artificial oxytocin. I was against this but couldn't win against the doctor's view. The artificial oxytocin made the next hours absolute hell. The contractions were now coming so strong without any break. If it was up to me I would never want to have artificial oxytocin again. It took so much of my energy. When I was at my lowest point during these hours and wanted to die (honestly) I took the mother earth figure that I had made during my pregnancy and prayed to mother earth to give me energy. She did. My son was born not long after that.
Nonetheless there was still one and a half hours of pushing. I also think it took so long because they didn't allow me to push on all fours. Something that my body was telling me to do. I had to be in stirrups. The most unnatural position for giving birth. I just wish doctors would trust the instinct of mothers instead of trusting their devices.
Even though I hoped until the last moment that my son would turn, he did not. He came out bum first. Like a little muscle with his legs along his body. The pushing was very hard and the doctor even had to use their hands to get him out. I remember screaming at the doctor "Don't touch my baby" as I felt it wasn't right.

When I wrote my birth pan I had made up my mind to not have any pain medication. I didn't want my baby to be effected by it and also I did not want to be under drugs which influence I can't predict. Now I didn't know how this would work out. I guess as many HSPs I am very sensitive to pain. A visit to the dentist even just for dental cleaning is a torture. Still, I wanted to try. I wanted to see if my body can do it.
It could. During all those long hours, I didn't ask for pain medication. I experienced pain that I can't even describe. I wanted to die. I thought I reached a point of no energy and still I found somewhere inside the strength to carry on. Having endured a breech birth without pain medication makes me very proud. It gave me self-confidence. It showed me that mother nature designed us perfectly and no matter which difficulties we face in life we can overcome them.

The moment my son was born was incredible. I remember very vividly how my husband said "He's out". After all these hours of pain and anticipation, he was finally here. Born bum first. I couldn't wait to hold him.
He was briefly placed on my belly and my husband cut the cord but he was already taken away from us. He was very little (born with 2600g) and the birth was very stressful for him, he had a fairly low Apgar score and they took him into an incubator. I yelled at the doctor "Don't take my baby away". I was like a tiger roaring. My animalistic mother instinct was born. We soon found out that he's healthy and just needed a little help with breathing. He would be out of the incubator in no time. It still took 5 hours though until I could hold my son again. In that moment the joy of haven given birth vaginally to my healthy breech baby was overtaking everything but later I felt sadness that I couldn't bond straight away with my child.


Remembering our special birth story still makes me very emotional. A little sad on on hand that we didn't have the home birth I so longed for but also very proud and happy that we had the best birth under the conditions we faced. Highly sensitive or not, giving birth connects women to mother nature. It brings up our deepest fears and strengths. It gives our life a new meaning.



My top tips for HSPs giving birth:
- familiar surroundings
- creating a cozy atmosphere in an unfamiliar surrounding
- blocking out bright lights and noise
- walking in nature
- preparing mentally and physically with yoga, meditation and Pilates
- eating regularly and healthy
- warm water (bath, shower etc.)
- massages and gentle touch to release pain
- limiting the people attending birth especially unfamiliar people
- making a birth plan and having someone else there who can enforce your wishes with the medical staff
- considering hiring a doula for mental and physical support
- believing your instincts

Tips for highly sensitive mothers

I think in order to thrive as a HSP we have to design our life to fit our trait. Here are a couple of tips for highly sensitive mothers (and highly sensitive children):

1) Avoiding overstimulation
This might be the most obvious one but it's not always easy done. It requires us to know what overstimulates us. This can be a bit different for every HSP. In general what works to avoid overstimulation getting things done in off hours and avoiding the crowds, keeping lights low, especially at night, reducing noise by using earplugs etc. An example for mothers is reducing the time spent in playgroups. Of course our kids want to play and need to see other kids but for us HSP mothers spending time surrounded by a dozen of noisy kids can be nerve-racking.

2) Getting enough sleep
Most people need at least 7-8 hours sleep to be rested but for HSPs this can be easily more. Without enough sleep we are moody, easily aggressive and don't function very well. Getting enough sleep with a baby can be challenging. I make sleep my priority. If I had a tough night with my baby waking up multiple times I try to sleep during the day. It's actually my favourite time of the day when my son has his nap. It's down time for me and I try to nap with him. No matter if the dishes are waiting, my sleep is more important.

3) Eating and Drinking well
Hunger can be very disruptive to a HSP mood and concentration. Maintaining a steady blood sugar level with regular snacks and healthy meals is very important for us. I always carry water and a snack with me. But not only eating often is important but also eating healthy. I have to admit my husband and I are a little obsessed with healthy food. Almost all the food we buy is organic, we never eat ready-made meals, we cook every day, we reduced sugar, we try to eat a lot of vegetables, I reduced dairy as it feels better for me etc. I love to cook, I love the feeling of preparing a heathy meal for my family. I also mentioned drinking well. With that I mean avoiding some drinks that HSPs are sensitive to. Because of my pregnancy and breastfeeding I gave up caffein and alcohol and it made me calmer and more collected. Whenever I have caffein I can feel my heartbeat racing and my mind getting restless.

4) Making time for yourself
Take time just for yourself. A hobby, a warm bath, reading, a walk in the nature. This is actually the hardest for me. Since the birth of my son I felt I could not be separated from him. But his constant presence and neediness tires me out and I realised how good it is for me to spend time just for myself with the things I love. I write on my blog, I read a book, I have a walk in the forest, I do yoga. Nowadays I plan "time for myself" into my day to make sure I really take it. I do yoga in the morning and when my son has his nap I take time to meditate or write and then I sleep a bit with him.

5) Calming your mind and body
I feel my mind is constantly working. On top of that my body regularly overflows with emotions. Emotions of others, my emotions, negative and positive energy that I encounter during my day. As a HSP we take in all energy, I feel like we are a vibrating membrane that sings a tune to the energy outside of us. Sometimes I just want to think and feel nothing. In order to calm myself I do yoga and meditation. It has really helped me to have more energy and to find my truth self. These days I also practice methods of protecting me from negative energy.

6) Mindfullness
If you are a bit into yoga and meditation and I find a lot of HSPs are, mindfulness is all over the place. It's currently the popular kid on the block. Being mindful means to be really in the moment, to focus your attention on what's happening. Your body, your emotions, your actions in that particular moment. One of my strategies as a HSP to block out overstimulation was so far to daydream a lot and hardly recognise my surroundings. Now mindfulness is the opposite. That seems to contradict with my strategy to avoid overstimulation. Well it doesn't. Mindfulness has actually helped me to recognise what does me good and what does not. And it helps to focus the always wondering mind. It doesn't mean I have to take in all my surroundings but it means I focus on what I am doing at the moment. I focus on doing the dishes, on walking in the forest, I feel the fresh air, I see the change in nature etc. Having a very active kid has also forced me to be mindful. I have to be in the moment if my kid runs onto the street. Being mindful and experiences situations with my child helps me seeing the wonder of life again. It helps me appreciating the small moments: a nice cup of tea, the sun raising, a smile of the face of my neighbour etc. I recommend practising mindfulness to any HSP.  


7) Getting help
In order to have some down-time and time for ourselves me need help. Help in the household, a cleaner, a nanny, grandparents. Anyone that can take the load of of us for a couple of ours. Still until this day I feel I can't leave my child with someone unknown. But sometimes

8) Plan recovering time
Overly packed schedules, crowded public transport, concerts and crowded stores are hard to deal with for HSPs. Whenever you are faced with such situations plan in time to recover. Just quiet time at home, a bath, listening to relaxing music. If I am going with my child to crowded places, I try to limit this to one activity a day and plan for some recovery time at home or in the nature. We also don't do well when we are rushed and we should allow us the time we need to complete whatever we are doing. I hate to rush out of the house in the mornings with my child. I need my time in the bathroom, time to engage with my child, time to prepare breakfast and eat it together. I try to not schedule anything early in the morning so that I know I am off calmly and to a good start to the day.
Every HSP should ideally also have a quiet space in their home to retreat. This can be a study, a cozy space in the bedroom or a candlelit bath.

9) Surround yourself with beauty and nature
Because we are deeply affected by our surroundings its important to create our space as calm and beautiful as possible. For me it's very important to not have clutter in the house. I constantly tidy up just because I need a calm environment. As a mother this translate in not having many toys. And the ones we have are beautiful wooden toys that are nicely arranged. I really like the montessori approach to arranging child spaces to keep the house tidy and calm looking.
Whenever I need to tank up on energy and calm down I have walk in nature. Rather than going to crowded playgrounds in the city I also often take my child to the forest. He can explore nature and I can enjoy its calmness and beauty.

Time for yourself

Silence. Finally. My husband has gone with our son to his playgroup. This is one of the very few moments that belongs to me. No one is pulling on my clothes, running around the house, no noise, no constant mama mama.
These moments are so rare that I have forgotten how good it feels. How much I need time for myself. Alone.

We don't have grandparents around, we don't use a babysitter and our son doesn't go to a Kinderopvang. He's 24-7 with me. Occasionally he stays with his father, but those are exceptions. This set up makes it hard for a HSP. We need time alone, time to recharge, silence. But because we tend to sacrifice our lives to serving others we hardly allow ourselves that much needed alone time. I remember even when Yunus was smaller I felt so guilty every time I left him with someone else. My heart was crying out for him, we were one unit. I felt I abandoned him.
Now that he's 16 months it was one of the first times that I was lucky when the door closed behind him and silence fell into the room. He's with his father, he's ok. And I had forgotten how much I needed time for myself.
Everyone who has grandparents and other family around is very fortunate. Especially as a HSP. We need to make more space for alone time. Allow us those moments to recharge, to fill ourselves with energy so that we can serve other again. I promised to not use my alone time for household duties and other duties that I never have time for. I will fill it with things that give me pleasure: enjoy a cup of tea in silence, meditate, write on my blog, have a walk in the nature.
Cheers to silence.

Having a breech baby

At 32 weeks into my pregnancy I first came into contact with the term breech. I had been going to a midwife, in the Netherlands this means monthly checks on the babies heartbeat and position. Nothing spectacular. This time my midwife said my baby is still in breech position, meaning lying bottom-down in my uterus. Just a reminder, babies are usually born head first. My midwife said, the baby should move in the next weeks as it becomes very difficult for the baby afterwards, but I shouldn't worry. So was this position a bad thing? Should I worry? First thing I came home I googled. Always not such a great idea. Well most babies have flipped by that time or will flip soon. Only three to four percent pregnancies have a breech presentation at birth.
Ok, there was still some time for my baby to flip. I read after week 36 it would be very difficult for the baby to turn as there's very little space. I spent all day reading and worrying. I was going to spend the next weeks worrying about the position of my baby. I was imagining my baby will still be in breech position shortly before birth. That would shatter all my dreams of a natural birth at home and I will face one of my biggest fears - giving birth in the hospital and maybe a c-section. I remember how tense I was those days. How the worries took over all my moods and made me a nervous reck. I didn't want to let go of my dream of a natural birth at home. Something was to be done to help this baby turn.

I decided to try everything possible to help my baby turn: 

• I spoke with my baby.
• I did mediation imagining my baby would flip.
• I walked on all fours around the house (very funny and uncomfortable).
• I held a torch and music in the direction where my baby should move his head. 
• I did a breech tilt regularly.  
• I went to a chiropractor for a webster treatment. The Webster technique is a specific chiropractic adjustment used to facilitate balance and improved function in the mother's pelvis.
• I went to accupuctnture (only once though as I didn't really believe in it).
• I did moxibustion (putting a very smelly burning stick close to a point in my foot that should encourage the baby to turn)

No, I didn't try to stand on my hands in a swimming pool (one of the few things I didn't try).

and finally I did an external cephalic version.  It's a technique where a midwife tries to turn the baby from the outside by touching it through your belly. I had my doubts about doing this as I didn't believe in forcing my baby to turn. I also didn't have much trust in my midwife and even considered changing to one that was known to do this more gentle and with higher success rates.
It was one of the worst experiences in my life.
At no time my baby was at risk but I felt this was such an invasion on our pregnancy. It hurt terribly. Even for three days after I had bruises and pain every time I was moving. It hurt me and the baby mentally as well. The thing was my baby didn't want to turn. He was protesting. In the end even two midwifes were trying to push my baby from the outside around in my belly. It felt so wrong. My baby turned inwards so that they can't grab him anymore. Knowing his character now I have to smile at this, as he has such a strong character and hates any unwanted interference with his ways. At the time though it felt like I was treating him terribly. After the event, he went on hiding in my belly and didn't move for a couple of days. I was licking my external and internal wounds. Apart from the fact that this was not successful it left me feeling terribly. I believe this technique is not dangerous and can help many other women but for us it didn't work.

So now that my baby was still in breech at week 36 a birth at home with a midwife seemed impossible. As a consequence we had to leave our midwife practice and continue with the doctors at the hospital. Breech births are only done in hospitals. I felt horrible with that change. I loved the fact that throughout the whole pregnancy I had a midwife that would also be there at birth and now I was seeing different doctors every week, not knowing who would be at my birth and the worst I had to give birth in the hospital.

Those last 4 weeks were mentally very difficult for me. I was still hoping my baby would turn but every doctor appointment at the hospital left me frustrated. I saw a different doctor every time. I had to do ultrasounds every time. I had tried to avoid those during my pregnancy as I believe they are disturbing the baby and now I didn't even had a choice and had to do them. I even needed to do a doppler as the doctors thought my baby was too small and wanted to check if it got enough nutrition.

As I was so unhappy with the location of my birth and the fact that I would't have a midwife there that I know and trust I decided I needed more support. I hired a doula. I wrote about this before. Best decision ever.

I also read a lot about giving birth to a breech baby. I prepared myself mentally that this might be the case. I wanted to try for a natural breech birth and avoid a cesarian at all costs. I looked at videos of natural breech births. It seemed possible.

I got familiar with the hospital procedure for a natural breech birth. I was so lucky to be in the Netherlands where natural breech births are still possible. I was with a hospital that had an expert team in natural breech births and they gave me the choice to try for that given that my baby was healthy. After all I had the chance for a natural birth.
Nonetheless I hoped until the last moment that my baby would flip.

He didn't. But in the end I managed, I had a vaginal breech birth. My baby came out butt first. I am so  proud of us.
More about this in a separate post.


After going through this journey I believe there's a reason for a baby to lay breech and that we should trust them to turn if it's possible or to stay in their position if they wish.

Useful sources on breech positions and breech birth:
http://spinningbabies.com
http://www.mybreechbaby.org
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2010/10/29/breech-babies-is-another-variation-of-normal/

Preparing for motherhood

They say you can't prepare for being a mother. I disagree.

I was not prepared for being a mother. I wanted to be a mother. I was dreaming of having a child for years but when my child arrived the dreams I had, had nothing to do with reality.
The changes in my life hit me like a storm, they derailed me for a couple of weeks until I could find myself again and create a new me - a mother.

It's true you can't imagine what a new baby will bring into to your life, what it will make with you but you can prepare for taking care of a newborn.
After I gave birth to my child I had no idea how to handle him. I had no idea about rocking babies, breastfeeding them, changing them or bathing them. I didn't understand his signs. Was he crying because he's hungry, because he's tired? What does he want? I didn't even know he could cry because he's overtired. He left me helpless and I had to learn the hard way to understand his signs. It took weeks of him being miserable, as his needs where not fully me,t and me being miserable because I couldn't understand him.

I was the youngest child in my family, I had only older relatives. I never took care of a baby before my son was born. I never even held a baby. It was a huge disadvantage. I simple didn't learn yet how to handle a baby.
I believe every expecting mother would hugely benefit from some experience of taking care of a baby. Let it be their sibling, their relative, a baby of a friend but any contact with a baby will be beneficial. There's so much emphasis on preparing for birth but there's not one course for pregnant women on baby care. How to hold a baby, what the rhythm of a baby is, how to breastfeed them, how to rock them to sleep. What their cries could mean. There should be courses for pregnant mothers where they can meet mothers with newborns, where they can handle a baby, learn from those mothers, see baby care in real life.
Birthing is written in our DNA, our body does it by itself but baby care is something we have to learn. And its so much harder when you have to learn it with your own first child.

So if you get the chance, take care of a baby, talk to your friends about their babies. Don't make the mistake of thinking the knowledge will come to you automatically after you gave birth. Be a babysitter, be an aupair, help out your friends who have babies, go to a breastfeeding meeting to see women breastfeed.
Anything but just get your hands on a baby before you have your own.

Preparing for birth

Birth is one of the most natural processes and its amazing how every woman can birth a child without knowledge and preparation. We simply have the ability, it's written in our DNA. Nonetheless a little preparation, mentally and physically, doesn't hurt. Birth is a myth these days. It's something that happens behind closed doors in hospitals, with numerous doctors in white gowns and their medical instruments. By the time we hit 30 and are pregnant with our first child the closest we have come to witnessing birth are TV shows and maybe the stories of our own mothers. We know birth hurts, hurts a lot but that's often pretty much about it. We don't really know what happens during birth. For our ancestors it was normal to witness real births before they gave birth themselves. Well, for us that isn't really the case. So we need a different method of preparation. Of course we can go in cold handed but as we don't know much about birth, the idea to do something you have never done before and know little about is so scary that our worries could interfere with our ability to give birth naturally. Even though I am generally a person who likes to gather knowledge and look up everything on the internet, I didn't want to research too much about birth. Main reason was I didn't want to get too scared. For instance I don't like TV shows about birth, as I believe they often just give you the picture of a painful process. So what did I do?

I prepared my body.
Here in Amsterdam it's very common to do pregnancy yoga. And that's what I did. I did a pregnancy yoga class with Pascale Bonnet. I have to say I loved loved my pregnancy yoga course. It was a peaceful moment every week that let me connect with my body and my baby. Also I met other expecting mothers with whom I could share my experience and above all my teacher Pascale was fabulous. She even became my doula during the birth. Pascale taught us very useful yoga poses and breathing techniques that also helped me during the birth to deal with the pain. She also explained all the stages of birth. That was done during two partner classes, which was very good as our partners also learned about the process of birth and how to assist us best during birth. But above all she gave us confidence, confidence in ourselves to birth, confidence to try for a natural birth and confidence in mother earth that everything will go well. This was a class that ran for a couple of weeks. After it finished I continued with kundalini pregnancy yoga with Siri. Siri also became a good friend and I did two other courses with her. Dancing for birth and Mama and Baby yoga. I loved Dancing for birth. We danced with our pregnant bellies to music from around a world. It was so much fun. It also prepared my legs for the 30 hour birth marathon that I did primarily standing doing dance moves as this was the best way to encounter the pain.

I also prepared my mind.
I believe its very important to prepare mentally for birth. Especially to face your expectations and fears about birth. I started to meditate before I was pregnant and I continued doing so during my pregnancy. Daily yoga and mediation, especially towards the end of my pregnancy, became a ritual. I love to read books, but I didn't read too many on pregnancy and birth. Which was good. But I read one that I can recommend to any expecting mother. It's "Birthing form Within" The book covers some general information about birth but its focus is really on preparing the expecting mother mentally. It uses art as a form to prepare for birth. I am a creative person and I liked that approach a lot. Using the book I worked with two of my biggest fears concerning child birth: having a c-section and giving birth in a hospital with a lot of medical interference. I dreamed of a water birth at home. Eventually I had to face one of my biggest fears - giving birth in a hospital with medical interventions. But I prevented a c-section and I managed to give birth to a breech baby vaginally, I believe mainly because I was mentally prepared. As part of the book exercises I made two clay figures. A dolphin representing my baby (his name is Yunus which means Dolphin) and a small statue of mother earth. During every birth there's a moment when you think you will die and you can't go further. I remember asking for my mother earth figure during that moment. I hold on to it tightly, praying to mother earth to give me strength and let me go on. And I went further. I passed a moment that felt like death and found some energy and strength in me that I never imagined excited. Passing that moment gave me so much self confidence. Whenever I see the mother earth figure laying around at home now, I remember how strong I am and that I can overcome any difficulties. I also asked my mother, my grandmother and my sister-in-law about their birth and they gave me some good tips and their stories showed me again that every woman is capable of giving birth.

Lastly I got some additional support
Just a couple of days before giving birth I hired my yoga teacher Pascale as my doula. This was the best decision around birth that I took. Because I had a breech baby and I was now facing a very medical birth in hospital I felt I needed some support from someone who was not family or in any other way related. I needed someone who had experience with pregnancy and childbirth, who could support me mentally, who could also be there for my husband, who would be another supporter of natural birth in the hospital and who I trusted. Pascale helped me in so many ways, it was great to have her at my birth. I also thought about my ideal birth beforehand and made a birth plan. We couldn't really stick to it but it helped me to think beforehand what was important for me and to give me strength to fight for some of of the points I wanted.

Mental an physical preparation helped to have the birth I wanted.

A happy pregnancy

In traditional Chinese a baby is considered to be already one year old when it is born. One explanation for this is that the Chinese might consider that the baby has already lived in its mothers womb for almost a year. A very nice thought.

I had a great pregnancy. I was lucky to fall pregnant very quickly and I felt very good throughout my whole pregnancy. In the first 2 months I had a bit of what they call morning sickness, though for me I rather felt sick in the evenings but overall I have never felt so good in my life. I somehow felt whole, completed, as if something before was missing. I felt more balanced and had less mood swings and I loved the feeling of something growing inside me. I think the different hormone mix during pregnancy worked very well for me. While I sometimes can feel upset, lonely and even depressed, I hardly had such feelings during my pregnancy. Towards the end I became very anxious because my baby was lying in breech position but this is a different story that I will tell another time. Pregnancy felt for me like a rose cloud. It was also the time that I discovered yoga for me. I already regularly did Pilates and I tried to meditate from time to time but it was during my pregnancy that I tried out yoga and found out how good it was for me. It was also a time when I connected deeper with my body and mother nature. I would listen more to my body, feel my baby , feel what was happening in my body and I would really enjoy spending time in the nature. Going for a walk, listening to the birds, singing a song to my unborn. I developed a total dislike to any technology, especially computers. For some weeks I couldn't bear to be near a computer and I hated it to be locked up behind my computer in a dark office in my cubicle. All I wanted during office hours is to go outside, breath fresh air and have nature around me. I was dreaming of a pregnancy when I didn't have to be in an office and those strong images also influenced me later to delay going back to work after my baby was born. Especially in the first months when I didn't yet worry about the breech position I had little worries about my baby. I was fortunate to be pregnant in the Netherlands, where a midwife looks after you, where they have few medical check ups and view pregnancy as something natural and hence infuse few worries into a becoming mother. I loved to be pregnant. It felt very good.
In retrospective I believe I could also enjoy being pregnant so much as I arranged my life more HSP friendly during that time. I avoided any over stimulation. Was I exposed to it like during gatherings with many people or long nights out, I always had my pregnancy as a reason to retreat and relax. You can always use a pregnancy as a reason to ask for some alone and quiet time. Also the feeling of something growing inside me, of having a purpose was very fulfilling for me. Pregnancy was a happy HSP time.

Being highly sensitive

This blog is dedicated to the life of a highly sensitive person and especially to motherhood. What is a highly sensitive person?

The trait is very well researched and described by Elaine Aron. We talk about a person who has a high sensory processing sensitivity. What does that mean? Someone who is easily startled by loud noise, who gets easily overwhelmed by strong smells, bright lights, chaos or many people. Someone who can sense the feelings of others, who has a thin skin, gets overwhelmed by emotions. A person with a rich and complex inner life. Does that sounds familiar? There' s a good test here. For highly sensitive people (HSP) many situations in life are processed differently. I discovered that I had this trait a couple of years back and reading about experiences from other HSPs was like finding home. I always felt different, I was the shy one, the one that had such a rich inner life but couldn't and wouldn't express it. Finally I knew there are more people out there like me and I had an explanation for situation like when I didn't like the noise from a TV even if the sound level was ok for everyone else. Becoming a mother and raising my child as a HSP was and is a very special experience to me and I wanted to share my experience with others. My husband is most likely a HSP as well and judging from my baby it's very likely he's one too. From the beginning I often felt my baby was different. That I should make other choices on how to raise him like those that were popular or recommended to me. I had to find my own way that worked best for us. I wanted to write down my experience for other HSP parents. To share, but also to help others. I hope you can find something useful for you in this blog and that my experience is encouraging you to find your own way as a HSP parent.