Tips for highly sensitive mothers

I think in order to thrive as a HSP we have to design our life to fit our trait. Here are a couple of tips for highly sensitive mothers (and highly sensitive children):

1) Avoiding overstimulation
This might be the most obvious one but it's not always easy done. It requires us to know what overstimulates us. This can be a bit different for every HSP. In general what works to avoid overstimulation getting things done in off hours and avoiding the crowds, keeping lights low, especially at night, reducing noise by using earplugs etc. An example for mothers is reducing the time spent in playgroups. Of course our kids want to play and need to see other kids but for us HSP mothers spending time surrounded by a dozen of noisy kids can be nerve-racking.

2) Getting enough sleep
Most people need at least 7-8 hours sleep to be rested but for HSPs this can be easily more. Without enough sleep we are moody, easily aggressive and don't function very well. Getting enough sleep with a baby can be challenging. I make sleep my priority. If I had a tough night with my baby waking up multiple times I try to sleep during the day. It's actually my favourite time of the day when my son has his nap. It's down time for me and I try to nap with him. No matter if the dishes are waiting, my sleep is more important.

3) Eating and Drinking well
Hunger can be very disruptive to a HSP mood and concentration. Maintaining a steady blood sugar level with regular snacks and healthy meals is very important for us. I always carry water and a snack with me. But not only eating often is important but also eating healthy. I have to admit my husband and I are a little obsessed with healthy food. Almost all the food we buy is organic, we never eat ready-made meals, we cook every day, we reduced sugar, we try to eat a lot of vegetables, I reduced dairy as it feels better for me etc. I love to cook, I love the feeling of preparing a heathy meal for my family. I also mentioned drinking well. With that I mean avoiding some drinks that HSPs are sensitive to. Because of my pregnancy and breastfeeding I gave up caffein and alcohol and it made me calmer and more collected. Whenever I have caffein I can feel my heartbeat racing and my mind getting restless.

4) Making time for yourself
Take time just for yourself. A hobby, a warm bath, reading, a walk in the nature. This is actually the hardest for me. Since the birth of my son I felt I could not be separated from him. But his constant presence and neediness tires me out and I realised how good it is for me to spend time just for myself with the things I love. I write on my blog, I read a book, I have a walk in the forest, I do yoga. Nowadays I plan "time for myself" into my day to make sure I really take it. I do yoga in the morning and when my son has his nap I take time to meditate or write and then I sleep a bit with him.

5) Calming your mind and body
I feel my mind is constantly working. On top of that my body regularly overflows with emotions. Emotions of others, my emotions, negative and positive energy that I encounter during my day. As a HSP we take in all energy, I feel like we are a vibrating membrane that sings a tune to the energy outside of us. Sometimes I just want to think and feel nothing. In order to calm myself I do yoga and meditation. It has really helped me to have more energy and to find my truth self. These days I also practice methods of protecting me from negative energy.

6) Mindfullness
If you are a bit into yoga and meditation and I find a lot of HSPs are, mindfulness is all over the place. It's currently the popular kid on the block. Being mindful means to be really in the moment, to focus your attention on what's happening. Your body, your emotions, your actions in that particular moment. One of my strategies as a HSP to block out overstimulation was so far to daydream a lot and hardly recognise my surroundings. Now mindfulness is the opposite. That seems to contradict with my strategy to avoid overstimulation. Well it doesn't. Mindfulness has actually helped me to recognise what does me good and what does not. And it helps to focus the always wondering mind. It doesn't mean I have to take in all my surroundings but it means I focus on what I am doing at the moment. I focus on doing the dishes, on walking in the forest, I feel the fresh air, I see the change in nature etc. Having a very active kid has also forced me to be mindful. I have to be in the moment if my kid runs onto the street. Being mindful and experiences situations with my child helps me seeing the wonder of life again. It helps me appreciating the small moments: a nice cup of tea, the sun raising, a smile of the face of my neighbour etc. I recommend practising mindfulness to any HSP.  


7) Getting help
In order to have some down-time and time for ourselves me need help. Help in the household, a cleaner, a nanny, grandparents. Anyone that can take the load of of us for a couple of ours. Still until this day I feel I can't leave my child with someone unknown. But sometimes

8) Plan recovering time
Overly packed schedules, crowded public transport, concerts and crowded stores are hard to deal with for HSPs. Whenever you are faced with such situations plan in time to recover. Just quiet time at home, a bath, listening to relaxing music. If I am going with my child to crowded places, I try to limit this to one activity a day and plan for some recovery time at home or in the nature. We also don't do well when we are rushed and we should allow us the time we need to complete whatever we are doing. I hate to rush out of the house in the mornings with my child. I need my time in the bathroom, time to engage with my child, time to prepare breakfast and eat it together. I try to not schedule anything early in the morning so that I know I am off calmly and to a good start to the day.
Every HSP should ideally also have a quiet space in their home to retreat. This can be a study, a cozy space in the bedroom or a candlelit bath.

9) Surround yourself with beauty and nature
Because we are deeply affected by our surroundings its important to create our space as calm and beautiful as possible. For me it's very important to not have clutter in the house. I constantly tidy up just because I need a calm environment. As a mother this translate in not having many toys. And the ones we have are beautiful wooden toys that are nicely arranged. I really like the montessori approach to arranging child spaces to keep the house tidy and calm looking.
Whenever I need to tank up on energy and calm down I have walk in nature. Rather than going to crowded playgrounds in the city I also often take my child to the forest. He can explore nature and I can enjoy its calmness and beauty.

Time for yourself

Silence. Finally. My husband has gone with our son to his playgroup. This is one of the very few moments that belongs to me. No one is pulling on my clothes, running around the house, no noise, no constant mama mama.
These moments are so rare that I have forgotten how good it feels. How much I need time for myself. Alone.

We don't have grandparents around, we don't use a babysitter and our son doesn't go to a Kinderopvang. He's 24-7 with me. Occasionally he stays with his father, but those are exceptions. This set up makes it hard for a HSP. We need time alone, time to recharge, silence. But because we tend to sacrifice our lives to serving others we hardly allow ourselves that much needed alone time. I remember even when Yunus was smaller I felt so guilty every time I left him with someone else. My heart was crying out for him, we were one unit. I felt I abandoned him.
Now that he's 16 months it was one of the first times that I was lucky when the door closed behind him and silence fell into the room. He's with his father, he's ok. And I had forgotten how much I needed time for myself.
Everyone who has grandparents and other family around is very fortunate. Especially as a HSP. We need to make more space for alone time. Allow us those moments to recharge, to fill ourselves with energy so that we can serve other again. I promised to not use my alone time for household duties and other duties that I never have time for. I will fill it with things that give me pleasure: enjoy a cup of tea in silence, meditate, write on my blog, have a walk in the nature.
Cheers to silence.

Having a breech baby

At 32 weeks into my pregnancy I first came into contact with the term breech. I had been going to a midwife, in the Netherlands this means monthly checks on the babies heartbeat and position. Nothing spectacular. This time my midwife said my baby is still in breech position, meaning lying bottom-down in my uterus. Just a reminder, babies are usually born head first. My midwife said, the baby should move in the next weeks as it becomes very difficult for the baby afterwards, but I shouldn't worry. So was this position a bad thing? Should I worry? First thing I came home I googled. Always not such a great idea. Well most babies have flipped by that time or will flip soon. Only three to four percent pregnancies have a breech presentation at birth.
Ok, there was still some time for my baby to flip. I read after week 36 it would be very difficult for the baby to turn as there's very little space. I spent all day reading and worrying. I was going to spend the next weeks worrying about the position of my baby. I was imagining my baby will still be in breech position shortly before birth. That would shatter all my dreams of a natural birth at home and I will face one of my biggest fears - giving birth in the hospital and maybe a c-section. I remember how tense I was those days. How the worries took over all my moods and made me a nervous reck. I didn't want to let go of my dream of a natural birth at home. Something was to be done to help this baby turn.

I decided to try everything possible to help my baby turn: 

• I spoke with my baby.
• I did mediation imagining my baby would flip.
• I walked on all fours around the house (very funny and uncomfortable).
• I held a torch and music in the direction where my baby should move his head. 
• I did a breech tilt regularly.  
• I went to a chiropractor for a webster treatment. The Webster technique is a specific chiropractic adjustment used to facilitate balance and improved function in the mother's pelvis.
• I went to accupuctnture (only once though as I didn't really believe in it).
• I did moxibustion (putting a very smelly burning stick close to a point in my foot that should encourage the baby to turn)

No, I didn't try to stand on my hands in a swimming pool (one of the few things I didn't try).

and finally I did an external cephalic version.  It's a technique where a midwife tries to turn the baby from the outside by touching it through your belly. I had my doubts about doing this as I didn't believe in forcing my baby to turn. I also didn't have much trust in my midwife and even considered changing to one that was known to do this more gentle and with higher success rates.
It was one of the worst experiences in my life.
At no time my baby was at risk but I felt this was such an invasion on our pregnancy. It hurt terribly. Even for three days after I had bruises and pain every time I was moving. It hurt me and the baby mentally as well. The thing was my baby didn't want to turn. He was protesting. In the end even two midwifes were trying to push my baby from the outside around in my belly. It felt so wrong. My baby turned inwards so that they can't grab him anymore. Knowing his character now I have to smile at this, as he has such a strong character and hates any unwanted interference with his ways. At the time though it felt like I was treating him terribly. After the event, he went on hiding in my belly and didn't move for a couple of days. I was licking my external and internal wounds. Apart from the fact that this was not successful it left me feeling terribly. I believe this technique is not dangerous and can help many other women but for us it didn't work.

So now that my baby was still in breech at week 36 a birth at home with a midwife seemed impossible. As a consequence we had to leave our midwife practice and continue with the doctors at the hospital. Breech births are only done in hospitals. I felt horrible with that change. I loved the fact that throughout the whole pregnancy I had a midwife that would also be there at birth and now I was seeing different doctors every week, not knowing who would be at my birth and the worst I had to give birth in the hospital.

Those last 4 weeks were mentally very difficult for me. I was still hoping my baby would turn but every doctor appointment at the hospital left me frustrated. I saw a different doctor every time. I had to do ultrasounds every time. I had tried to avoid those during my pregnancy as I believe they are disturbing the baby and now I didn't even had a choice and had to do them. I even needed to do a doppler as the doctors thought my baby was too small and wanted to check if it got enough nutrition.

As I was so unhappy with the location of my birth and the fact that I would't have a midwife there that I know and trust I decided I needed more support. I hired a doula. I wrote about this before. Best decision ever.

I also read a lot about giving birth to a breech baby. I prepared myself mentally that this might be the case. I wanted to try for a natural breech birth and avoid a cesarian at all costs. I looked at videos of natural breech births. It seemed possible.

I got familiar with the hospital procedure for a natural breech birth. I was so lucky to be in the Netherlands where natural breech births are still possible. I was with a hospital that had an expert team in natural breech births and they gave me the choice to try for that given that my baby was healthy. After all I had the chance for a natural birth.
Nonetheless I hoped until the last moment that my baby would flip.

He didn't. But in the end I managed, I had a vaginal breech birth. My baby came out butt first. I am so  proud of us.
More about this in a separate post.


After going through this journey I believe there's a reason for a baby to lay breech and that we should trust them to turn if it's possible or to stay in their position if they wish.

Useful sources on breech positions and breech birth:
http://spinningbabies.com
http://www.mybreechbaby.org
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2010/10/29/breech-babies-is-another-variation-of-normal/