So i went ahead and became pregnant.
At the same time i started to study do-in yoga which became my mental and physical life saver for the next months and years to come. My second pregnancy was very smooth mainly also due to the fact that i did daily do-in yoga and meditation practice. No breech baby again. Everything was running very smoothly.Only that my highly sensitive child noticed very early on in my pregnancy that something will change soon. And he didn't like that. His behaviour became rather hard to handle. It didn't help that he also was in the face of a 2 year old toddler who only knows "no - i want to do it my way".
The bigger my belly grew the more aggressive my toddler became. He started to hit me, my husband, other kids. He had tantrums. Bad tantrums. There were days were I feared to go anywhere with him because of his emotional aggressive outbreaks.
Only months later I realised that he was upset and suffering. He felt the change coming and was scared. He had been my one and only. We were so close. Day and night together. Slept together. And now there was someone in my belly. I had to say no to carrying him, I was tired, sometimes cranky with him or just exhausted. He felt rejected and maybe not loved enough. He had big emotions and I had to learn myself how to teach him to handle those emotions. I had never learned myself how to handle my big emotions. It was, is, still a learning curve for both of us.
Jump forward, I had the perfect home birth I always wanted and recovered very quickly.
But the day my second son was born was also the day I partially lost my oldest. It was the day he started to sleep at night with his father and became very attached to his father.
The first year with both kids was a whirlwind. My baby was luckily a very easy baby. But my toddler was incredible jealous, aggressive and emotional. I was also emotional. Some days we only survived. Some days were good. I had to learn to handle two kids, to find a new routine.
I realised that two kids is not 1 + a bit more work, its 2. It's no more alone time, it's both parents being always busy with one child. It's no more couple time. It's 2 (3 with the husband) people that constantly want your energy and attention. It was often simply too much for me. I had too little or no time to myself.
After one year it got better. We found our routine. My oldest became less jealous.
Looking back is was a tough but also nice year. We spent most of our time outside (easiest way for me to handle two kids). My baby couldn't walk yet and was still easy to handle. I learned a lot. About myself, about my kids. I learned a lot about my emotional triggers, my limits.
Only after that year I really realised how much my oldest suffered from partially loosing me. And also I had grief from loosing my bond with him.
By now that my youngest is almost 2 I did a lot of work to repair the bond to my oldest. He's still very much a daddies boy but I am trying to dedicate time to him, time just for the two of us.
Do I regret having another child? No. Could i have done it smoother? Maybe.
If I had my first child at a younger age I would have chosen for a larger age gap between the kids.
I love my two boys so much. They are both very different. They teach me different things. They show me other parts of myself. It was also good that our second took attention away from our first born. So our first born had more room to breath and develop who he is. They now started to play together. They hate and love each other. They always ask about the other. They share, they fight, they form a bond for lifetime. I am happy they have each other.
My tips for highly sensitive parents that go from one child to multiple:
- account for big feelings from your oldest child, prepare him, make special time just with him, reassure your love for him, teach him to express his emotions with words
- account for your big feelings (being overwhelmed, being stressed, being tired/exhausted) - look after your health well, eat well, do gentle exercise such as yoga, do meditation (whatever works for you), breath
- get enough sleep
- try to get everyday some alone time (even if only at the toilet)
- get help with the household/kids
- get the kids and yourself outside (makes all the difference to a mood)
- think about what the right age gap between your kids is best for you (most people just think of their kids "oh it would be nice that they are close together so that they can play with each other". But what would work best for you?)
- accept that some days are just about survival
- remember that everything is passing (the hard times but also the beautiful time when your kids will be so small).
Only when they are small you can kiss them, cuddle them and hug them as much as you like. Soon they will be out of the house and don't care about a cuddle from you. Enjoy it as long as it lasts.
