Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Managing HSC toddler meltdowns

The most stressful part of the day with my 20 month old is leaving or coming back home. Stressful for me and him. We live in an apartment block and generally my son cries all the way from our flat door to the building door. When we leave because he wants to stay home, when we return because he does not want to go back inside. No matter what tricks and strategies I tried he cries on top of his lungs. My neighbor even mentioned the other day that she can hear him being home during the day. Aehmm....
Frequent toddler meltdowns are normal. If you have a highly sensitive toddler who cries about a variety of reasons on top of the general toddler tantrums you might feel like you live in a house of tears. Lego blocks that don't fit on top of each other, a jumper that scratches, a noisy environment - all reasons for highly sensitive children to have a meltdown.


To keep my own sanity i developed a couple of strategies to deal with those meltdown. I hope you find them useful too.

1. Adjust your expectations
What are your expectations toward your toddler?
Toddlers are not mini adults. Tantrums and saying no to everything are normal and important for their development. They easily get overwhelmed with emotions and need an adult to help them calm down. If you have a highly sensitive child he/she is especially easily overstimulated and emotions go wild.
At the same time we should also ask ourselves if our expectations not influence the reality. If you constantly talk about how bad your child is sleeping, chances are high he/she is a bad sleeper. If we expect that our child is helpful, most likely he/she will be.

2. Control your own emotions
When emotions go wild they can easily spill over to us and we can get frustrated and angry. Especially if we are highly sensitive as well. Always remember you are the adult. For me it helps to breath in deeply a couple of times in those moments, to not think about what onlookers might think and to try to talk and act as calm as possible.

3. Foster autonomy and give choices
A lot of toddler tantrums happen because they feel they don't have any control. In fact a toddler day, from the time they leave the house, to what they eat or with whom they play, is highly controlled by their parents. Giving my child more autonomy and choices has helped to reduce his meltdowns. For instance I let him help me when I cook and we created a self service area for him in the kitchen where he can take snacks and a drink whenever he wants. Let's say you are dressing your child, ask her what she wants to wear first, jacket or shoes. Or when changing diapers you can give your toddler the option to stand or lie. 

4. Respectful communication
Children deserve respect just as any adult. I often lower myself on my child's height to tell him something. Empathy has been really key to me to make meltdowns less stressful. I never ignore my child tantrums. I don't leave him alone. When he has a tantrum I try to name his feelings and offer my shoulder to cry on. E.g. I say "I see that you are upset because we had to leave the playground. You wanted to continue playing but we are late for dinner and we had to go now. If you want I can give you a hug." For us empathy really works. Usually he stops crying then, gets a hug and life continues. I also feel my HSC needs some warnings of what is going to happen next. For instance if I bring him to bed I tell him. "In 5 minutes I bring you to bed. Do you want to look at one more book?" After looking at the book I tell him. "Now it's time for bed. Let's say goodnight to the book etc."

5. Avoiding stressful situations
This is key to me for my life with a HSC. Especially because I am highly sensitive as well and I know if I am anxious it's  likely my son will get anxious too. I try to not go shopping with my child in rush hour, I avoid crowded playgroups, I try to not take him out when he's hungry or tired. I always carry a snack for him knowing that a low blood sugar level makes a HSP moody.
And let's not forget us parents. I try to look after myself, get enough rest and relaxation time, so that my emotions don't go wild.

Going slow helps a lot. At the moment I am reading a book about mindfulness and meditation for children to help them control their emotions. I think this could be a great tool for HSCs. My son is still a bit too young for it but once we get started I will post if the experience.

Still, some meltdowns can't be avoided. Like the ones when I leave the house. This face will also pass. I have to suck it up or move to a house that doesn't have direct neighbors who can complain.

Maybe one of you has the ultimate tip for me? How do you deal with your HSC toddler meltdowns? 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Staying at home or working - finding balance as a mother

Being a housewife seems to be a state of our parents generation. Something we abolished with the women's movement, at least for highly educated women. In all honesty, for most women this is not even a choice anymore. Who can still afford our preferred lifestyle with a single income? For long I hated the term housewife or stay-at-home mum. I couldn't identify with it. But at some point I had to face that this was what I chose. Yes I chose. Still to the disbelieve of many of my friends and some relatives.

Being highly sensitive has been one of the main driving forces behind the decision to stay home while my children are very young. As many HSPs I am longing for a work that fulfills me. For a job that is meaningful, that makes a difference in this world.
While I have already tried many different jobs I just haven't found that meaningful space yet in the professional world. Even before my son was born I knew that I would find it much more meaningful to be there for him than going back to the office, doing one project after the other that never made any real difference.
When I was pregnant I decided that I will stay at least a year home with my baby. It was a decision of the heart. Given Dutch maternity law that meant giving up my job and income with no real prospect of returning.
I never regretted that decision. I still sometimes face envy and lack of understanding for this choice (How can a highly educated woman choose kitchen and diapers over a career?).  I have to say I am lucky that my husbands income is enough for us and that I had this choice.

After my son was born I was so overwhelmed that for many months the thought of going back to work was anyway totally strange for me (I posted in another article about my baby blues). Since his birth I have never missed my job or the office. Being a stay home mum is sometimes very lonely and I miss my family who lives abroad but I never missed the corporate life. I like being there for my son. I like being able to structure the day how I want. I love the fact that I can be outside a lot. I love that I have time for the things that are important for me, like being creative with my child, cooking healthy meals, doing extended stays with my family in Germany.
For the first time in many years I went to all birthdays of my family in Germany. I have time to go slow with my child. I can structure our day HSP friendly. I know if I would work I would be under much more stress. Stress is killing for me as a HSP. I know my family would be the one suffering for my stress load. I love that I don't have to rush everywhere. I love that I have the energy and time for attachment parenting. If I would work I don't think I could manage to get up a couple of times a night to breastfeed my child. I find it important that my child spends more time with his parents/mother than with otheir caretakers.
While I hate the label housewife, being one has enabled me to life my values.

A year passed and I am still at home. Is it fulfilling? Yes and no. I don't miss my old job but I also know that this is not my calling. I know that another meaning to my life is waiting for me.
Is it forever? No. It's sometimes a very tough job. Spending all day with my toddler brings me often to my limits. Now after 20 months I feel I need to slowly focus on something different. Quitting my job to be with my son was only the first decision of the hearth. It's a bit as if this period opened me to my inner self. I realized that I don't want to go back to my professional career. If I spend time away from my family I want to do it for something I really believe in. Something meaningful. Will this earn money? I don't know. Not for now. But I believe if you do what you love you will be successful.

I haven't regretted my decision to be a stay-at-home mum for a while. I know other times will come again and then I will be thankful for the luxury to see my little kids growing up.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Sleep baby sleep - Getting and keeping your highly sensitive child asleep

Before I had a baby I never imagined that sleep would be the largest issue in our newly found family. Sleep for us and for our son. Our little highly sensitive son only really slept well the first week after birth. After that it was and is incredible hard to get him to sleep and keep him asleep. An osteopath, we visited, said once about him: "It's as if someone put the light on and forgot to install a switch off button."
Since he's born he's incredible alert. His eyes constantly look around and take in everything. I remember when he was just a couple of weeks old. I would see his eyes following everything in a room while other babies would just stare at the ceiling. He takes in so much of his surroundings that it's incredible hard for him to switch off.
Until this day (19 months) he never fall asleep without our assistance and he never slept through the night. The best he ever slept was waking up two times in a twelve hour stretch. This happened twice since he's born. Generally he wakes up every two to three hours a night and needs rocking or breastfeeding to go back to sleep. When he was around three months he went through a period of waking up every hour at night. This lasted a couple of months. 
Contrary to other babies my son would never fall asleep in his pram or in the car. He rather cried hysterically in both.
In his first weeks he would only sleep at my breast during the day. Sometimes when I was lucky I could detach him and hold him in my arms. The moment I would put him down in his bed his eyes would fly open. It felt like I was constantly trapped on the couch with him.
He was also a short sleeper. A nap hardly ever lasted longer than 30 minutes. After he became 14 months and switched to one nap a day that luckily changed and he's sleeping now around 90 minutes in one go.

Here are a couple of things that helped us to get him to sleep. We are not comfortable to sleep-train him, which means most of the time letting him cry to sleep. So these are very gentle, natural methods.

1. Movement
Our son needed movement to fall asleep. Not just a little rocking. No, me walking up and down the room while rocking him quite hard.
Luckily soon after his birth we discovered that he would sleep incredible well in a carrier, strapped to my body. I often had a walk with him, fresh air and nature for me, while he slept in the carrier.
It never worked though to make him sleep in the carrier and then put him into a bed. He would immediately recognise the difference and wake up. If i didn't feel like walking around with him in the carrier, I would rock him to sleep and he would sleep on my body. Most of the times I would also sleep. This was a great way for me to recover from the many night wakings.
Until the age of one it was impossible to put him into a bed for his day naps. He would wake up immediately. So he always slept on me.
When he was six months we discovered that he would sleep in a baby hammock during the day. It swings and because of the shape he felt very cozy in this. We had a Nonomo, this product really saved my life. Finally I could use his nap time to do other things.


2. Blocking out stimulation

HSPs are very sensitive to any stimulation. In order to help our son fall asleep we try to block out all stimuli. We bought very dark curtains for our bedroom. No music, no TV before bedtime.
A carrier is great when you are out and about. It provides a save space without stimuli close to mama or papa. When we rock him to sleep during the day we cover him with a blanket with a hood that blocks his eyesight (we used Trendy Wrapping by Snoozebaby). We took this item everywhere with us.



3. Bed-sharing
Bed-sharing is not for everyone but for me it was just the most obvious way I should sleep with my baby. It makes breastfeeding at night much easier and it allows me to drift back the sleep almost
instantly after my son wakes up and starts to feed at night. Initially we had bought a co-sleeper but somehow our son knew the difference between lying in the co-sleeper and lying directly next to me very well. So he didn't settle in the co-slepper and he ended up in our bed. In the first four weeks he was sleeping on my belly, after that he slept snuggled up next to me. No he's claiming his own space but still touching me with his hands. As a result of bed-sharing our sleep became totally synchronised. Sometimes I wake up minutes before he wakes up. I love to sleep next to him, knowing he's all cozy and save. I feel though bed-sharing is not a short term activity. We try from time to time to have him sleep in his own bed but usually by the middle of the night he makes his way into ours. It might take some years before he voluntarily wants to move to his own bed.

4. Sleep routine
Now, we are not strict routine followers but we have a nap and night sleep routine and I believe that helps him to settle into sleep time. For his naps we always sing the same song to him. For his night time our routine has changed. When he was a small baby I would give him a bath, do baby massage and then breastfeed him to sleep. After some time I realised that a bath rather excited him, so I dropped that. At some point he was also to active for baby massage. These days I spend some time with him in the bathroom before sleep time, changing him, singing a night song, burning lavender essential oil, just quiet time to come down from the day. After that I breastfeed him in the dark bedroom and wait until he's asleep.
He's usually going at a similar time to bed and down for his nap. There's a window though depending on summer and winter and his tiredness. I don't believe you have to put your child to bed at the exact same time each day.

5. Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding makes babies sleepy and it's a great tool to get a baby to sleep. When I breastfeed him at night he's back to sleep in two minutes, when I rock him it takes much longer. At the same time though breastfed babies tend to wake up more often at night as they are used to drink at night. So it's a double sword. For me breastfeeding has been a great tool to bond with my HSC and to give him a save space. I don't really mind the downside of frequent night wakings.

Still with all our efforts our son wakes up very frequently at night. At times I was tired myself, I didn't know how I will manage during the day.
Here are some things that helped me as a mother through the tough periods of sleep deprivation:

1. Making sleep a priority
At some point I prioritised my sleep over everything else (but my babies wellbeing). So I slept whenever I could. I slept during the day with my baby. I still do actually. I went early to bed. I took any opportunity to get a nap.

2. Sharing responsibilities 
It seems hard to share if you are breastfeeding and that's the best way to get your baby back to sleep at night. You can't just say to your husband "Now, you give your breasts." But if I had no energy I would give our son to my husband and he would carry him to sleep.

2. Eating healthy
If you don't get enough sleep, you especially need to make sure that you have enough healthy meals and snacks to keep your energy running.

3. Going outside  
For me it always helped to get a bit of fresh air and sunlight when I was really tired.

5. Avoiding parent guilt
When my son was little I paid too much attention to general baby advise and stories of others. Why were all other babies sleeping well but mine not? Was it my own fault that my baby didn't sleep well? Is it because I never taught him to self-settle? Am I creating bad habits by rocking or breastfeeding him to sleep? Everyone else seemed to find it normal to let their child cry to sleep, while I find it cruel. Luckily my husband is from Turkey, a country where rocking babies to sleep is normal and letting them cry to sleep is not that common. And (contrary to popular western advise) they all learn to sleep by themselves and sleep through the night. It just takes longer than in western cultures. So I ditched all advise, accepted that I had a difficult sleeper and just followed my instinct.

At 19 months my son is still far away from sleeping without assistance but I am positive that he will one day. Until then I am cherishing the moments we have together, there's nothing more beautiful than holding a sleeping child. I know, him sleeping next to me will be the most beautiful memories of my time with him.