Managing HSC toddler meltdowns

The most stressful part of the day with my 20 month old is leaving or coming back home. Stressful for me and him. We live in an apartment block and generally my son cries all the way from our flat door to the building door. When we leave because he wants to stay home, when we return because he does not want to go back inside. No matter what tricks and strategies I tried he cries on top of his lungs. My neighbor even mentioned the other day that she can hear him being home during the day. Aehmm....
Frequent toddler meltdowns are normal. If you have a highly sensitive toddler who cries about a variety of reasons on top of the general toddler tantrums you might feel like you live in a house of tears. Lego blocks that don't fit on top of each other, a jumper that scratches, a noisy environment - all reasons for highly sensitive children to have a meltdown.

To keep my own sanity i developed a couple of strategies to deal with those meltdown. I hope you find them useful too.

1. Adjust your expectations
What are your expectations toward your toddler?
Toddlers are not mini adults. Tantrums and saying no to everything are normal and important for their development. They easily get overwhelmed with emotions and need an adult to help them calm down. If you have a highly sensitive child he/she is especially easily overstimulated and emotions go wild.
At the same time we should also ask ourselves if our expectations not influence the reality. If you constantly talk about how bad your child is sleeping, chances are high he/she is a bad sleeper. If we expect that our child is helpful, most likely he/she will be.

2. Control your own emotions
When emotions go wild they can easily spill over to us and we can get frustrated and angry. Especially if we are highly sensitive as well. Always remember you are the adult. For me it helps to breath in deeply a couple of times in those moments, to not think about what onlookers might think and to try to talk and act as calm as possible.

3. Foster autonomy and give choices
A lot of toddler tantrums happen because they feel they don't have any control. In fact a toddler day, from the time they leave the house, to what they eat or with whom they play, is highly controlled by their parents. Giving my child more autonomy and choices has helped to reduce his meltdowns. For instance I let him help me when I cook and we created a self service area for him in the kitchen where he can take snacks and a drink whenever he wants. Let's say you are dressing your child, ask her what she wants to wear first, jacket or shoes. Or when changing diapers you can give your toddler the option to stand or lie. 

4. Respectful communication
Children deserve respect just as any adult. I often lower myself on my child's height to tell him something. Empathy has been really key to me to make meltdowns less stressful. I never ignore my child tantrums. I don't leave him alone. When he has a tantrum I try to name his feelings and offer my shoulder to cry on. E.g. I say "I see that you are upset because we had to leave the playground. You wanted to continue playing but we are late for dinner and we had to go now. If you want I can give you a hug." For us empathy really works. Usually he stops crying then, gets a hug and life continues. I also feel my HSC needs some warnings of what is going to happen next. For instance if I bring him to bed I tell him. "In 5 minutes I bring you to bed. Do you want to look at one more book?" After looking at the book I tell him. "Now it's time for bed. Let's say goodnight to the book etc."

5. Avoiding stressful situations
This is key to me for my life with a HSC. Especially because I am highly sensitive as well and I know if I am anxious it's  likely my son will get anxious too. I try to not go shopping with my child in rush hour, I avoid crowded playgroups, I try to not take him out when he's hungry or tired. I always carry a snack for him knowing that a low blood sugar level makes a HSP moody.
And let's not forget us parents. I try to look after myself, get enough rest and relaxation time, so that my emotions don't go wild.

Going slow helps a lot. At the moment I am reading a book about mindfulness and meditation for children to help them control their emotions. I think this could be a great tool for HSCs. My son is still a bit too young for it but once we get started I will post if the experience.

Still, some meltdowns can't be avoided. Like the ones when I leave the house. This face will also pass. I have to suck it up or move to a house that doesn't have direct neighbors who can complain.

Maybe one of you has the ultimate tip for me? How do you deal with your HSC toddler meltdowns? 

Staying at home or working - finding balance as a mother

Being a housewife seems to be a state of our parents generation. Something we abolished with the women's movement, at least for highly educated women. In all honesty, for most women this is not even a choice anymore. Who can still afford our preferred lifestyle with a single income? For long I hated the term housewife or stay-at-home mum. I couldn't identify with it. But at some point I had to face that this was what I chose. Yes I chose. Still to the disbelieve of many of my friends and some relatives.

Being highly sensitive has been one of the main driving forces behind the decision to stay home while my children are very young. As many HSPs I am longing for a work that fulfills me. For a job that is meaningful, that makes a difference in this world.
While I have already tried many different jobs I just haven't found that meaningful space yet in the professional world. Even before my son was born I knew that I would find it much more meaningful to be there for him than going back to the office, doing one project after the other that never made any real difference.
When I was pregnant I decided that I will stay at least a year home with my baby. It was a decision of the heart. Given Dutch maternity law that meant giving up my job and income with no real prospect of returning.
I never regretted that decision. I still sometimes face envy and lack of understanding for this choice (How can a highly educated woman choose kitchen and diapers over a career?).  I have to say I am lucky that my husbands income is enough for us and that I had this choice.

After my son was born I was so overwhelmed that for many months the thought of going back to work was anyway totally strange for me (I posted in another article about my baby blues). Since his birth I have never missed my job or the office. Being a stay home mum is sometimes very lonely and I miss my family who lives abroad but I never missed the corporate life. I like being there for my son. I like being able to structure the day how I want. I love the fact that I can be outside a lot. I love that I have time for the things that are important for me, like being creative with my child, cooking healthy meals, doing extended stays with my family in Germany.
For the first time in many years I went to all birthdays of my family in Germany. I have time to go slow with my child. I can structure our day HSP friendly. I know if I would work I would be under much more stress. Stress is killing for me as a HSP. I know my family would be the one suffering for my stress load. I love that I don't have to rush everywhere. I love that I have the energy and time for attachment parenting. If I would work I don't think I could manage to get up a couple of times a night to breastfeed my child. I find it important that my child spends more time with his parents/mother than with otheir caretakers.
While I hate the label housewife, being one has enabled me to life my values.

A year passed and I am still at home. Is it fulfilling? Yes and no. I don't miss my old job but I also know that this is not my calling. I know that another meaning to my life is waiting for me.
Is it forever? No. It's sometimes a very tough job. Spending all day with my toddler brings me often to my limits. Now after 20 months I feel I need to slowly focus on something different. Quitting my job to be with my son was only the first decision of the hearth. It's a bit as if this period opened me to my inner self. I realized that I don't want to go back to my professional career. If I spend time away from my family I want to do it for something I really believe in. Something meaningful. Will this earn money? I don't know. Not for now. But I believe if you do what you love you will be successful.

I haven't regretted my decision to be a stay-at-home mum for a while. I know other times will come again and then I will be thankful for the luxury to see my little kids growing up.