Staying at home or working - finding balance as a mother

Being a housewife seems to be a state of our parents generation. Something we abolished with the women's movement, at least for highly educated women. In all honesty, for most women this is not even a choice anymore. Who can still afford our preferred lifestyle with a single income? For long I hated the term housewife or stay-at-home mum. I couldn't identify with it. But at some point I had to face that this was what I chose. Yes I chose. Still to the disbelieve of many of my friends and some relatives.

Being highly sensitive has been one of the main driving forces behind the decision to stay home while my children are very young. As many HSPs I am longing for a work that fulfills me. For a job that is meaningful, that makes a difference in this world.
While I have already tried many different jobs I just haven't found that meaningful space yet in the professional world. Even before my son was born I knew that I would find it much more meaningful to be there for him than going back to the office, doing one project after the other that never made any real difference.
When I was pregnant I decided that I will stay at least a year home with my baby. It was a decision of the heart. Given Dutch maternity law that meant giving up my job and income with no real prospect of returning.
I never regretted that decision. I still sometimes face envy and lack of understanding for this choice (How can a highly educated woman choose kitchen and diapers over a career?).  I have to say I am lucky that my husbands income is enough for us and that I had this choice.

After my son was born I was so overwhelmed that for many months the thought of going back to work was anyway totally strange for me (I posted in another article about my baby blues). Since his birth I have never missed my job or the office. Being a stay home mum is sometimes very lonely and I miss my family who lives abroad but I never missed the corporate life. I like being there for my son. I like being able to structure the day how I want. I love the fact that I can be outside a lot. I love that I have time for the things that are important for me, like being creative with my child, cooking healthy meals, doing extended stays with my family in Germany.
For the first time in many years I went to all birthdays of my family in Germany. I have time to go slow with my child. I can structure our day HSP friendly. I know if I would work I would be under much more stress. Stress is killing for me as a HSP. I know my family would be the one suffering for my stress load. I love that I don't have to rush everywhere. I love that I have the energy and time for attachment parenting. If I would work I don't think I could manage to get up a couple of times a night to breastfeed my child. I find it important that my child spends more time with his parents/mother than with otheir caretakers.
While I hate the label housewife, being one has enabled me to life my values.

A year passed and I am still at home. Is it fulfilling? Yes and no. I don't miss my old job but I also know that this is not my calling. I know that another meaning to my life is waiting for me.
Is it forever? No. It's sometimes a very tough job. Spending all day with my toddler brings me often to my limits. Now after 20 months I feel I need to slowly focus on something different. Quitting my job to be with my son was only the first decision of the hearth. It's a bit as if this period opened me to my inner self. I realized that I don't want to go back to my professional career. If I spend time away from my family I want to do it for something I really believe in. Something meaningful. Will this earn money? I don't know. Not for now. But I believe if you do what you love you will be successful.

I haven't regretted my decision to be a stay-at-home mum for a while. I know other times will come again and then I will be thankful for the luxury to see my little kids growing up.