Frequent toddler meltdowns are normal. If you have a highly sensitive toddler who cries about a variety of reasons on top of the general toddler tantrums you might feel like you live in a house of tears. Lego blocks that don't fit on top of each other, a jumper that scratches, a noisy environment - all reasons for highly sensitive children to have a meltdown.
To keep my own sanity i developed a couple of strategies to deal with those meltdown. I hope you find them useful too.
1. Adjust your expectations
What are your expectations toward your toddler?
Toddlers are not mini adults. Tantrums and saying no to everything are normal and important for their development. They easily get overwhelmed with emotions and need an adult to help them calm down. If you have a highly sensitive child he/she is especially easily overstimulated and emotions go wild.
At the same time we should also ask ourselves if our expectations not influence the reality. If you constantly talk about how bad your child is sleeping, chances are high he/she is a bad sleeper. If we expect that our child is helpful, most likely he/she will be.
2. Control your own emotions
When emotions go wild they can easily spill over to us and we can get frustrated and angry. Especially if we are highly sensitive as well. Always remember you are the adult. For me it helps to breath in deeply a couple of times in those moments, to not think about what onlookers might think and to try to talk and act as calm as possible.
3. Foster autonomy and give choices
A lot of toddler tantrums happen because they feel they don't have any control. In fact a toddler day, from the time they leave the house, to what they eat or with whom they play, is highly controlled by their parents. Giving my child more autonomy and choices has helped to reduce his meltdowns. For instance I let him help me when I cook and we created a self service area for him in the kitchen where he can take snacks and a drink whenever he wants. Let's say you are dressing your child, ask her what she wants to wear first, jacket or shoes. Or when changing diapers you can give your toddler the option to stand or lie.
4. Respectful communication
Children deserve respect just as any adult. I often lower myself on my child's height to tell him something. Empathy has been really key to me to make meltdowns less stressful. I never ignore my child tantrums. I don't leave him alone. When he has a tantrum I try to name his feelings and offer my shoulder to cry on. E.g. I say "I see that you are upset because we had to leave the playground. You wanted to continue playing but we are late for dinner and we had to go now. If you want I can give you a hug." For us empathy really works. Usually he stops crying then, gets a hug and life continues. I also feel my HSC needs some warnings of what is going to happen next. For instance if I bring him to bed I tell him. "In 5 minutes I bring you to bed. Do you want to look at one more book?" After looking at the book I tell him. "Now it's time for bed. Let's say goodnight to the book etc."
5. Avoiding stressful situations
This is key to me for my life with a HSC. Especially because I am highly sensitive as well and I know if I am anxious it's likely my son will get anxious too. I try to not go shopping with my child in rush hour, I avoid crowded playgroups, I try to not take him out when he's hungry or tired. I always carry a snack for him knowing that a low blood sugar level makes a HSP moody.
And let's not forget us parents. I try to look after myself, get enough rest and relaxation time, so that my emotions don't go wild.
Going slow helps a lot. At the moment I am reading a book about mindfulness and meditation for children to help them control their emotions. I think this could be a great tool for HSCs. My son is still a bit too young for it but once we get started I will post if the experience.
Still, some meltdowns can't be avoided. Like the ones when I leave the house. This face will also pass. I have to suck it up or move to a house that doesn't have direct neighbors who can complain.
Maybe one of you has the ultimate tip for me? How do you deal with your HSC toddler meltdowns?
I use very similar methods. It's so nice to read another hsc parent's thoughts and choices. To me these approaches, like empathetic limits and attachment parenting and getting on her level feel like they aren't choices at all... When we try more authoritarian measures it just feels in everyone upset and feeling awful!
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